Too Much Stuff!

Been working at Metakaos for 3 weeks... I had thought I will be happy... But right now its just stress and disappointed... My abilities were not recognised and no chances to perform... and worst of all, keep getting pick on by my lady boss...

She's a leo... so what do you think? Just like me, egoistic and stubborn.

Maybe she is jealous... Haha... Even when I look pretty in new clothes she has things to say... wearing a dress that is stylish and just 3cm above knee can let her say we are not here to sell ourself... OMG... Is she from the 60s?

And last night quarrel with dear... which makes me think of JF... Dunno how to say... but last time at least feels that things will be fine with him around...

Finally decided to tell him how i fell using friendster message... this is how it goes...

Boy...

I dunno if my reply is too late... but its because I dun have the courage to tell you how I really feel until now...

I dun even check my friendster... everyday I keep myself busy with work, with friends... everyday I just sleep 3 or 4 hrs then go work... So that I dun have time to think...

I tell myself I must be strong and do what i think is the best for both of us... I tell myself if me and you are meant to be together... oneday we will... or maybe i will really forget you and you will find another girl you really love... everyone will be happier... so I just have to be strong and have faith in things...

But do you know it is so hard? Actually I am very stress and sad at work... Everyday I get scold and people back stab me... and my boss pick on my everything... I everyday do so much and ot but all I get back is that... almost everyday at work halfway i will want to sms you... to tell you how bad things are... and i wanted to just leave my workplace sometimes... but i stayed and endure... cos i promise you i will do well...

but i am sorry... i still haven really change my life... i still take cab and let ppl send... I am trying... but still not easy... but i will go work everyday no matter how stress or tired... and i really not late on days... when i din make it i din tell you cos i dun wan you to be disappointed or worried... sorry...

I really tot you are living a better life le... din expect you are actually unhappy... So many times I wanted to call you but i never is because I dun wan to spoil your life... because i know myself too well... I cant just be normal friends now... cos i will want you to care so much... i will want to lean on your shoulder... I dunno why I will like this... but you always make me feel i can depend on you... thats why i control myself and tell myself to forget it cos what right do i have?

But yesterday n now... I really cant control... I dunno what you can do for me... maybe you will think you are just a normal friend... but i just cant control... just feel a need to tell you things happen to me...

This is just half the whole message... anyway I have a bad feeling its too late... I hurt him too much...

Tml got to face work and the people there again... God bless me pls!!!

Moving On!

Lotsa things have happened, and it is actually better! :)





Private life aka my BGR stuff is really long winded, so I will skip it in this entry. Main thing I wanna say is, I'll be starting a new life. I'm starting work at an Art Gallery tomorrow!





Metakaos. That's the name of the company.





Here's a really cool picture of how the place look like...

I will be working here! :P

Life is gonna be busy... Gonna miss ASBLT people... Hope you guys miss me too... haha...

Gotta go shopping now... Ciao!

This is Life!

Life is complicated yet simple.

Some things can't escape, like work, money, friends and love.

Yet it's not as simple as just work, money, friends and love.

I feel stress, angry and frustrated recently... Easily annoyed, and upset. Had nightmares too often... and I don't know why.

Could it be work? Maybe but I am sure not totally. My mind is thinking alot, and these few weeks I have changed in certain ways. More sure of what I want, and despite the frustrations I felt at times, I feel strong and positive. I thank these to my colleagues and my job... It's pushing me to strive for better life and a better me.

I realised, love needs effort. No matter how stable, things gets cold or change on and off... Need to take a look at the relationship and make efforts... If it is love, it is worth it.

I realised also real love is unselfish.

Nun jun is unselfish. He does alot of things which maybe others can't understand, but I know it's to make me happy. It seems silly but actually it's b'cos he just want me to have what I want, what makes me happy. I'm really touched at times.

Jian feng at times is unselfish too. He does not want to eventually 'get' me, like what normal guys will want, But he just want to be by my side to care for me, to see me, to be my best friend... although he loves me, he just want me to be happy with the guy I love, which is not him.

What is it about me actually? Hahaha... sometimes really wonder... so many prettier gals out there... what makes them willing to be fools for me? :p

And tomorrow I going genting with JF...Hope it will be fun! Take the stress temporary off me pls!!

I will miss all my buddies, my gd friends... my dear dear... my aiai... must miss me wor! wait for me to be back on tues! Muack!

Give me potion Miracle!

I need a miracle...

My work needs a miracle!

Ya... my relationship is more or less settled... at least for things between me and jian feng. For those who don't believe it, or just refuse to believe it even though I have said it times n times agin... well, suits you... But I am sure what it is now.

Don't get it wrong... We are still very best friends... Still tells him my things... and still do meet up... I will always treasure our friendship... always 比好朋友还要好的朋友！

Even though he still likes me... and we do care for each other a bit more than jus friends... decision is clear, and both of us happy bout it...

I really hope he is truely happy.... Not just me needs to be happy! silly boy boy... I want you to happy too! The special feelings we held just treasure it for whatever it is ba...

I am sorry, I love nun jun too much, i realised... and I have been so honest to you, sorry if i hurt you... but i have faith that you understand me de... and i believe you understand my feelings...

Thanks boy for being there... for being you... I love you...

Hope our promises to each other will be keep!

The Journey to Bliss

" If you think you can, or if you think you can't... Either ways, you're Right!"

Life deals us an awful lot of wild cards. When things seems predictable, it is often surprising.

When you rather things be constant, it becomes different.

Change, is inevitable.

I realised, writing blog is a never ending process. Aned my story will never have a ending. Sad or happy, laugh or cry, its an everyday thing. I don't mind changes in my life... but is mine a little too fast, too unexpected? Ha....................................................

I am stronger.

Things haven't stop happening. I get upset, angry, disappointed... 很无奈... And some things just can't be change, maybe... So, Just be happy!

I want my life to be like before. Buddies, friends, family and work. Ya, and my dear dear. Everything that makes me happy. And I'm back to work! Seriously, I mean. No matter how hard, I will make it work out just nice, and better even.

I remembered... From really young till last year, I have been really lucky. Everything I do, will work out well in the end. Even when it seems way down, it always turns well in the end. Be it romance or work. I have had my heart break before, and I thought its the end. I will be sad for a long long time... Guess what? I recovered in less than a month. Ya, that's how it always happen... Everything happens for the good :) So, why am I different now? Always so pessimistic? That's not me!

I guess I lost my way for a little while out there. It's ok... I am back now. The PrincessRon all of you know!

Hope that despite my busy job and busy life, my true friends will always be there. Walk the route with me, all the way.

Last but not least... I wanna say... I... lost.... my.... thumbdrive!!! Hahahaha... What were you guys thinking? Haha:p

Sob... so pictures will have to wait...

Zzzz... tired now... after my MJ session at wen wei house again... Ciao!

I'm Back~

Sorry guys~ I know it's been long since I update my blog, and left you guys with nothing much to read.

Well, I realise something... For someone people, in times of sadness will tends to blog more... When happy, forget 'bout blogging... Haha... and that's me maybe... I almost forget 'bout it.

But I'm back! Recently was good, was fun. Just came back from my diving trip with Michael. Will upload the pics next time! That trip was relaxing and it's the first time I went overseas with Michael. It's really much more enjoyable than the previous time I go diving... :)

Now I feel like I'm taking a trip down memory lane. Too long never blog and now recalling what has happen recently...

Last last week.... went to my colleague's wedding, as a 'sister'. I wore a Cheong Sum... haha... Looks like a total babe wor~ Haha~

Last wed, went Zouk! Miss that place! Fun Fun Fun! I dance till crazy... Very happy night... Love you guys... Apple, Sher, Jac&Stephen, WenWei, Jian Feng and Michael... And was so happy and surprise that Jianfeng came... He don't club at all de... Hehe... And he is been a total sweetie recently...

When I came back from Tioman on Sunday... Jian Feng, Apple and Rofino was there to meet me... And I think it was Jian Feng who contacted them... Sweet of you boy! Really happy to meet up with you guys that night...

'We' are closer n closer... Sh**... I am scared man... Feels like I'm not in control... might be feeling more than I want to... It feels like my inner fire is on flames duh....

He asked me why I refused to answer his call again just now... I don't know! Sh**! Not like he did something wrong... But I feel out of sorts...

Tonight going for a run... Whew~ Suddenly feel like meeting Apple instead...But I promise him le...Sigh~ like no time for some friends... Am I been too busy for them? SoRRy Guys!

p/s buddies... next week mid-night cycling kk? sorry everytime postpone for me....

Dear... need time alone with you! If not we going to be like miles away le.... Wed club kk?

为何心情总是起起落落?
为何总是一笑而过?
为何人总是那么脆弱?
难道是因为怕受伤害
而让一切错过?
~好无耐~

I am Strong

I am strong,
my tears stubbornly refuse to fall.
I never cry,
those are just sadness releases from the eyes.


Lots of things happened...

I hope they are ok already...

Sometimes silent tears means so much more...

I went out after meeting with wen wei they all just now...

I met up with someone...

So scared now... Nothing big happened... but was quite big to me... So scared so sad...

Who can give me a hug and say everything is ok?

Sigh... Silly me... nobody will be always around... I should have known that by now...

I need to sleep... Don't think...

Mooncake festival

话题
演唱:周蕙

面对面坐着的是不是你,
爱情还在不在进行.
想问你是不是想要放弃,
却害怕你也在问自己.
分手是我们唯一的话题,
却没有人愿意提起.
如果一开口变成了结局,
我的心就会离开身体活在过去.
爱不爱结果都叫人伤心,
我不知道该怎么做决定;
分手应该是要先哭泣,
还是先忘记.
你是否也有相同的难题,
你的勇气里有我的命运,
我不知道你会不会决定.
我想我现在还不够清醒,
该爱着你,该离开你,
还是继续--逃避

Today is Mooncake Festival.

Hanging out with Wen Wei, Apple and Sean. Sigh, it's Chinese Valentine Day too. But too bad, the ones I really want to spend it with are not here... Of cos' that does not mean I am not happy hanging out with my good friends... But still....

So many things keep happening in my life... Don't know how to write... Maybe I'm too confused to write. Confused 'bout my feelings right now.

Wish I can just get drunk and forget everything... But I can't.

Slept so many hours yesterday... But still feel like sleeping... What's wrong with me?

I miss ya... You know who you are...

Happy zong qiu jie to You...

Rainbow after the Rain

Finally, you make me smile again~

We went through alot recently... and all the crap... the unpleasant things... I really thought that it's over... 毕竟, 我们只是比好朋友还要好一点的朋友。。。

That few days makes me realise the importance of friends all over again... Cos' I am really thankful that I have Apple and Wen Wei there... Though I never say much... but just the company, the laughters you all created is enough... And one very important person... Nun Jun... Always there for me... Never leave me alone that few days...

可是两个紧紧相依的心。。。要怎么说放弃？

Our Story~

We were both so tired... so hurt... Never imagine he will read my blog... I thought he will be busy with his sis's wedding...

When I saw his sms from Malaysia... I don't know what to say. A part of me thinks that maybe letting you think that I already don't care will be better for you...

But when you sms me again at night... that sms... I just can't ignore. Maybe some people will say I silly... After so many things, how can those words settle everything? But I don't believe that those words are just saying only... I sensed your sadness and I choose to believe in what you say...

Thats why I replied. Ya, told you my feelings... But at that point it seems that there is no solutions... Both of us wanted to see each other but we just don't know what to do.

Maybe everything will end there and then. I thought so. And the Sammi Cheng concert will be our last day.

When we saw each other, we are like so strange. Silence and distant.

Then I went Esplanade alone, you didn't know.

You sms me say wanna send me home. I don't know if I want anot... Is seeing you or not seeing you better? Through the messages... you told me you don't wanna give up. I was touched. Even until that point, you care.

I was intending to wait alone. I didn't want you to send me home cos' I wanted to wait till you off work... Haha... silly right? But I have never done anything for you... so maybe just this once let me be the silly one... I can wait till morning, if that means we will have more time to talk...

But I am so Lucky! Apple came down to find me... And we had such a good time talking... Talked till I don't even know the time...

And then you came to find us. Suddenly we were joking like last time. I guess you were trying your best too...

So, all the way till morning... sent Apple home... And then it's our alone time. Talked about many things...

I feel like the huge wall between us have been demolished. You know how I feel, and I hope you will do your best... Things will be different!! Haha... We both must be happy from now...

Many things are going to change... My job... your job... I hope you remember your promises... and change some things...

Apple girl... Thanks! A simple word, but I think you get what I mean.

Boy, miss you always~

Feelings I choose to Ignore

Just finish another night of majiong game with Wen Wei, Apple and my dear... Tired... but thinking of alot of things...

Sometimes I wonder, I am strong... or am I really strong? Is everything sometimes just a facade for people to see? Ha... I dunno...

Still thought of him... And I figure since if he really forget about me then he won't come and read my blog anymore... So it's rather safe I write it here...

Wanna ask you... If you still think of me?

Wanna ask you... Are you thinking of me these few days?

Wanna ask you... Are you happy now?

Were you happy that night at Graxs?

Will you forget me?

是因为太了解而分开吗？

很想说很想你。。。 但我不想让你难受。。。 这是不是你的选泽？

我没话好说。。。 只是还想你。。。 谢谢你给过的一切。。。

Boy... whereever you are... Take care...

Is it fate?

What is fate?

Is fate something which humans used as a excuse? or is it really something that has such great power to even controls one's life?

I don't know if I believe in Fate.

I believe that Fate makes 2 person meet...

But what happens after that can't be all fate right? What make 2 persons become good friends, share their lives... can't be all just fate right? It's what the 2 person do... Then when things go wrong... don't tell me it's fate again? That seems so accusive... Fate did not set out to break people's heart or to spoil 2 person's friendship... Everything goes wrong because of what the 2 person did... and everyone has a choice to do what they do... Why is it that people can't remember how they used to care and be so nice to the other person? They choose to do actions that hurt the other person, then when things reach the stage that nobody knows how to solve, Fate become the excuse... I wish I can totally push all the blame to Fate, but I can't... I just can't...

Happy or not is a choice

Care or not is a choice

Give in or not is a choice

Important or not is a choice

To change or not is a choice

To love or not is a choice

So I don't understand, if u really love someone, is there really anything u can't do for them? Everything is a choice. If you really love enough, you will choose to give the best to the person, change for the best, and most importantly choose to make the person happy. It's a choice!

Alot of things happen... sometimes I wake up feeling so so so lost. I go out, I play till late at night, I laugh, I be merry... But is it all real? Sometimes alot of things I feel frustrated, helpless, angry and scared... I want to have someone there always... But I know its impossible... I know I'm not the only one feeling this way... But especially recently, I am so down... that I feel not as strong as the Sharon I know...

I know I need to take care of my own happiness, things that make me unhappy I should throw it away... forget about it... I don't even know if the other person cares enough... I treat him as a really close n good friend... And I miss the days when someone else hurt me and he was always there to console and making me feel better... I miss that kind of understanding and happiness we had...

We just quarrel over the phone again... Big fight... which I sensed he will really give up this time... which I sense he will not care anymore... Fine. If that is what it is for him, then I will be hard hearted too... I can't tolerate anyone who hangs up on me... and I gave him a chance to say sorry but he refused... I am so angry... don't blame me for being like that now!

Before that we already told each other maybe this weekend is a good time for us to cool down and hope after that we will solve all our problems recently... but now... Ha... I think there is no more need to le... Since both of us choose this route..

Sigh... maybe he is just like the rest... maybe when I think he will be different I am wrong... Maybe now he will be unlike what he promise last time... Ha... what to do? After being hurt so many times... I don't have much faith in men... Unless it's Nun jun...

Ya... only my Nun Jun dear dear... Almost 3 years... He has go through so much with me, and never give up... We had bad times before... but I also don't know how... we just managed to solved them and everything become even better... THANKS dear....

I know I am lucky... He really dotes on me and gives in to me alot... Maybe cos' a period of time we really drift apart... and they came along... But I credit myself for never thinking of giving up dear for any other guys... If anyone will believe me, I really hope to marry him one day... Haha :p

Sigh... I got to be strong! If it's yet another case of... you all know.... Then I got to get over it... Sigh... Gotta go out again le... Meeting wen wei....

Lay on You

Later tonight should be busy and late night. Thinking of meeting up with friends after my dinner with my colleagues. It's for my manager's birthday. Glad that I'm invited... But feels stressed. Cos' I have not really been working recently, don't know how to face them. Wish that later I can go meet Wen Wei and hopefully Jian Feng. At least take my mind off things I don't wanna think.

Haha, sometimes they are like my 避难所。

This week I think at least I will have my dear dear to accompany me. He got alot of days don't need go camp. Really miss him.

Just now talked to Xu Yong in msn. He saw me online and came to talk. Honestly I'm glad to talk to him. Like talking to a long lost friend. But sometimes I have to be careful, there is afterall, a line I can't step over. We talked about casual stuff... then he talk bout the past. Ask me if I sometimes think of it...

What you want me to say? We gave it all up, you are married, and I've got a loving boyfriend.

Sometimes memories never leave, I believe. But one can choose what to do with the memory. Just a bitter sweet memory, a story.

During the conversation, I don't know why I told him so straight forwardly that I wish his marriage will be a very happy one. Ha... I think I must have sound really silly. I keep telling him the future he must be happy. Haha... I really sound silly...

Will I miss JF alot from today? I wish not. I know he is going to working and working and working... I don't know why it makes me feel angry... Haha... Somehow I don't like it.

让你掏醉在我的眼神，看着我，走进我的世界。

我的喜怒哀乐，

我的眼泪微笑，

都是你的责任，

让你从现在起把我当成一切， 疼爱我， 永远实现我的心愿。

Visions of Mine

~Enmeshed in the fake world of reality~

Awaken from a bad dream.

Last couple of days clear my mind a little.

绕了一圈, 我们还是做回好朋友。

好多天的不愉快，我的固执，要他放弃。那天在Wen Wei 家打完麻漿后，他还在楼下。之前我们吵了又吵，我真的很累。上他的车原本是想回家休息的，到最后却去了东海岸。

结果他让我答应原谅他，我们的确变的和以前一样有说有笑。我只希望他会做到他说的，希望真的会开心。

What is reality?

Everyone's reality exist in their own mind. What I see as truth may not be what you see.

Only can follow and believe one's own reality.

My reality now is my relationship with Nun Jun is great, my friendship(or whatever u call it) with Jian Feng is ok le, the big problem now I have is my career. Full of uncertainty.

What do I do to be really happy without depending on anyone?

最大的寂寞是当发现，连想也不敢想自己心中的他！

The past only exist in the Past

Couldn't care less!

I just wanna be happy, enjoy myself.

Don't wanna bother about him(JF) anymore! To him, he put in alot. I also know. BUT, I feel I already tolerate way too much. Sorry, but I am frustrated. Very frustrated.

"Let the past be the past. From now on I'm myself!"

Sigh... To those who are reading this... Maybe many things I didn't explain and so its confusing. Put it simply, I'm talking about Jian Feng. Ya, many knows he likes me, but nt many know the story between us. Well, I shall not go into details here. Anyway, appreciated the good, but many things happen and I think its getting too tiring for both of us. Tats all...

Just came back from playing majiong game at Weiling house... Never expect her husband to be Xu Yong... Again, not convenient to say here, but its a shock... Like something from the past coincides with my present. The world is small.

Sometimes I feel bad... Got a feeling Weiling takes me as a friend, and somehow a listening ear. She told me lots of stuff about her and Xu Yong. Sometimes I really don't want know so much... yet I do wish that they can have a happy marriage. I just wanna be a friend to her too. And I wish he find his Happiness too.

Sigh... lots of feelings recently. I know some friends really care... Don't worry, I'm fine. Struggling, but trying. Just like yesterday I got Rofino's sms asking me if I'm fine. Well, really thanks for the concern :)

Tired le... gotta rest...

LOVE MAJIONG~ Hehe~

Put down thy Masque

I AM DOWN.

Seriouosly never been this down. Scared myself, the flooding emotions I can't control.

蹦溃的感觉是不是就像这样？

Feel like sleeping every min, escape from everything. Lost, I don't know what to do with all my troubles... Don't want friends or family to know and worry. But I really need a place to express! My life is crashing!

我要快了不想长大如果有一天我可以解脱回到过去重来遗失的美好。

~黑暗之魔~

沉醉在黑暗中

觉的累，觉的慌

徘徊在人群中

好彷徨，好孤单

过去常在脑海里旋转

成经的简单幸福

是现在的痛苦与悲伤

好想逃离这一切

又有谁能了解我的内心世界？

“ 每一张笑脸背后都有一张哭泣的脸，

每一个大声说话的人背后都有难言的心声。”

Happy Anniversary!

Together ever since then, 3rd Jan 2005.

Our anniversary! Exactly 2yrs and 8mths already!

Look, both of us look so different! Much cuter last time...

Haha... But now more ladylike and more Man for him!

Time flies~ I'm so happy that our relationship lasts so long. I know if it continues, most properly he will be my future half. In so many ways, he is great. Totally nice. Unselfish, easy going, nice temper, dotes on me, humorous, sporty, adventurous, fun loving and generous. But, I'm worried. Do I really want to be so fixed to a guy right now? Will he be able to fulfill the material needs of mine in future. I know the kind of life I'm going after, and I don't want to short change myself. I am willing to comprise but the difference of my ideal and what I get can't be so big right?

Must have faith! Ya, I must believe in him. I am going to keep thinking this way. Because we are young, and he is a crazily smart guy! :p

是你让我相信爱情是无私，好无压力的。。。

不管发生任何事你总是让我开心让我笑, 谢谢!

Crazy Birthday

Forgot to upload these photos... 20th Aug, my birthday!

Behold and Unfold

~TIRING~

Actual Date: 01/09/07 4.30AM

Just came from from movies at cineleisure, with Wen Wei, Roy, his female friend, Nun Jun(dear dear :p)... and Jian Feng... We watched 1408, supposed to be horror but as usual.... we laughed our heads off... HAHA...

我们又没结束了... HAHA... 说了也奇怪, 从来没开始,又怎么结束?

He salvaged the situation once again. I was cooled down, and accepted his explaination n appolgy. Was it a right thing I wonder. But thanks boy, for always giving in. But disagreements gets tiring, and my tolerance is running out, I hope there won't even be a need for u to appolgise...

伤心的转弯是开心!我要快乐!

Today one happy thing happened. I get to see my dear dear finally! Seeing him always calms me down despite whatever mood I'm in. Thanks for understanding everything. Although being with me has always been a complicated ride, but I'm sure you know that both me and him knows that YOU are the one.

我知道现在为最爱是你, 可是我不能不在乎其他关心我的人.

Love you love you love you dear dear...

I love my shopping spree just now! Shopping is my greatest joy!

Being in Sadness, Flood with tears

Submitted my previous posts late, hence two submitted posts in a day...

Last night was a sad night for me. I make a decision which is as painful to me as it is to him.

两个完全不同的人，与其勉强，不如放弃。或许放手是我爱你最好得方式。

He always never give up, and that's also the reason why I always care. I know that he called Wen Wei last night... Wen Wei said he was crying and really determined to salvage the situation. But everyone knows, a typical Leo girl is damn stubborn! I had enough! And so, I did not give him any chance to talk last night.
Instead accompany Wen Wei to boat quay to look for Flora. Cos' Flora drank alot so WW wants to be there...

A slight envyness rush over me.

Will the two guys, who say they love me, be doing the same, if it's me?

突然好想你，有点不习惯你不在身边。

The world is beyond what you See.

The first post.

I actually wanted to use deviladvocate.blogspot as my address... But too bad the add is taken. Why deviladvocate? Ha. Cos' I spoke for it. Not the devil who has underworld power... Nah. I'm talking 'bout the devil inside us. Humans' evil thoughts, never-ending desire. I acknowledge this monster, I like this monster.

心魔不断吞食人类的心，无尽的渴求，为的是满足空虚的心灵。

advocate.of.masquerade 说的是虚构和面具的代言。

My life, a Masquerade. Thou shall pretend no more.